Vercingétorix (2001) - film review

In 60 BC, the boy Vercingétorix watches in horror as his father, the Gaul leader Celtill, is burnt alive – the reward for his ambition to unite Gaul against the Roman invader.  Years later, Vercingétorix the man is driven by his father’s vision.  Encouraged by his druid friends, the Gaul warrior attempts to save his people.  Betrayed by the Emperor Cesar, he raises an army and leads them into a battle he cannot hope to win…

Here is how not to make a historical film.  First, have so tight a budget than any sense of authenticity or realism has to be thrown out of the window on the first day of filming.  Second, choose an overrated Hollywood actor and give him the leading part which is clearly beyond his ability (and also get him to wear the most preposterous false moustache).  Third, write a script that is so bad that you’d swear it was written by a ten year old child “as a joke”.  Fourth, and finally, choose one of the most obscure periods in French history and assume that everyone has studied the period in great depth, avoiding the need for tedious exposition.  The result of following this recipe could hardly be worse than the risibly bad Vercingétorix , a film which makes the dismal Vatel (2000) look like a faultless masterpiece.

It’s hard to know what audience this film is aimed at.  The clinically clean, bloodless battles, stylised fights and wishy-washy Disney-style sentimentality suggests it may have been aimed at children.  But it’s hard to imagine how anything other than a particularly comatose infant with advanced masochistic tendencies could sit through two hours of this unutterably bad nonsense.  Glaringly obvious historical inaccuracies in the set and costume design invite the inevitable conclusion that the film’s source is not the history books but the Astérix comic books, so the film wouldn’t even appeal to historians with a keen interest in this period. The film’s only real function is to offer a lifeline to insomniacs when the sleeping pills run out.    If you’re still awake after the first forty minutes of this industry-strength soporific substitute, you probably need medical help – and fast.

© James Travers 2005

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