Jerry Lewis

“Where are we going?  Do I need tickets?”

“Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.”

“People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.”

“I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life.  No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope.”

“I’ve had great success being a total idiot.”

“A woman doing comedy doesn’t offend me, but sets me back a bit.  I, as a viewer, have trouble with it.  I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.”

“When they get a period, it’s really difficult for them to function as human beings.”

“I get paid for what most kids get punished for.”

“Pity?  You don’t want to be pitied because you’re a cripple in a wheelchair?  Stay in your house!”

“We’re leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth...  or couldn’t get better jobs in the first place.”

“When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.”