Groucho Marx - biography

1890-1977

Biography

Groucho Marx is best-known for the following films:

Groucho Marx Quotes

“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.”

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

“I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.”

“I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.”

“While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I’ll never know.”

“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.”

“From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

“I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.”

“I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.”

“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.”

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

“If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

“No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”

“Humor is reason gone mad.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“You’ll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school! ”

“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”

“Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.”

“Young lady, I think you’re a case of arrested development. With your development, somebody’s bound to get arrested.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

“Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!”

“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.”

“Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

“My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”

“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”

“In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.”

“Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”

“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”

“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”

“I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“Women should be obscene and not heard.”

“They say Woody Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He didn’t. He’s an original. The best. The funniest.”

“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.”

“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”

“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”

“Go, and never darken my towels again.”

“Here’s to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!”

“I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

“I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.”

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. ”

“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

“I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I sent the club a wire stating, please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

“I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.”

“I’m not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.”

“If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.”

“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”

“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”

“Room service? Send up a larger room.”

“She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the live of the party.”

“There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.”

“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them... well, I have others.”

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

“Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”

“You’d better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can’t get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that’s too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.”

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